Basics of Marriage

There are few decisions that are as important as marriage. You marry a person to live together “till death, us do part” sharing everything you have: your time, your money, your abilities, your body, everything. There is no part of your life you can save for yourself. You two become “one flesh”. This gives people the greatest happiness they could ever experience and, unfortunately, in many other cases, the greatest pain and suffering. Some say that marriage can be heaven on the earth or living hell. Many people gave up to think about marriage as an option. They prefer rather to suffer loneliness than to risk in marital life.

You’ve decided to take the course in order to be more ready for your marriage. It’s a good decision. At least, while doing the tests you will put a solid foundation for your future relationships. Every married couple discuss a lot of issues. Some of them can’t find solutions which satisfy both partners. For many discussion means conflict, fierce arguing, offencive words, calling names. Eventually, they stop talking to each other at all. This course is intended to help you to understand each other, to share with each other your real thoughts, to find a solution for even the most disputed questions. Have been learned the art of marital talk, you’ll be able to live together happily in any life conditions “till death you do part”.

Expectations

Every individual entering marriage has certain expectations in regard to family life. These expectations are formed under the influence of many factors — parents of your future spouse, values, society, books, hearsay, your own considerations, etc. It’s very important to sit down and discuss what expectations both individuals have in regard to their future marriage, whether or not these expectations are realistic, and what must be done in case these expectations do not reflect reality. The word “expectation” hints at hope. Hope is defined by an expectation of something positive. Hope is necessary because it inspires and often supports us.

The following exercise will require some time and reflection. List ten examples of things you expect from your future spouse. These descriptions can be brief or exhaustive. For example, the husband may expect his wife to open the door for him when he comes back from work, to always stay at home and never work, and provide sex on demand. The wife may expect her husband to come with her to visit her parents, to be the family’s spiritual leader, and to stay home on the weekends.

Values and Goals

Values determine how people actually live. However, religious beliefs do not always determine people’s values. Therefore, it is impossible to say whether a person truly values a relationship with God or the ministry of the church, even if he is a Christian. It is also impossible to be confident that the person values other people’s time until we confirm that he is not late and completes tasks on time. A lot can be said about people from the way they spend their free time, what they spend their money on, and what they place first on their list of priorities.

It is advisable for spouses to practice the same system of values. Differences certainly will remain, even if only because of gender. But if the main values of the spouses are opposite – a happy marriage in such a case is impossible.

Values also determine the goals which we aspire to achieve. The objective of this topic is to help you find out each other’s goals and values, develop common goals, and to imagine how to achieve them together.

Making Decisions

Which of the spouses makes decisions? According to 1 Cor. 11:3, the responsibility of making decisions lies on the head, or the husband. However, does this mean that the husband should single-handedly make decisions regarding all issues, including those in which he is less competent than the wife? A wise leader turns to the help of specialists in areas in which he is inadequately versed. It is possible that the problem is not even in who should make decisions, but rather who is most competent in dealing with the issue at hand.

Who most frequently made decisions in the family in which you grew up?

Are you able to determine the difference between important and less important decisions? If so, what are you guided by?

How would you resolve a situation of deadlock when it is nevertheless necessary to make a decision?

How do you resolve questions regarding responsibility of upkeep of the household?

In which areas of family life do you have the right to make a decision without first consulting your spouse? Who suggested this right and how did you come to such a decision?

Communication

Communication has the same value for love that blood has for the life of an individual. Have you ever contemplated this? In his book “Love in Marriage,” Ed Wheat provides a radical statement: “Betrayal kills thousands of marriages and silence, tens of thousands.”

Any relationship is impossible without communication. You and your future spouse should know about this and this should also determine your relationship with God. How would you identify the word “communication?” What definition does this word hold for you? Write your definition here. After you have finished this test, don’t forget to look at your partner’s test also.

Now, what does the term “listen” mean to you? If there is any baggage necessary for a young couple for the beginning of their life together, then this baggage needs to become “communication with each other, which they should support at any price.”

Married life may be compared to a large, multi-room residence, which the newlyweds enter on the day of marriage. They hope to use these rooms and rejoice together if the house is comfortable, and then they can accomplish much in their life together. However, in many marriages, the doors to some rooms remain locked—these rooms represent different areas of the relationship which the couple cannot enter and live in together. Attempts at opening these doors lead to failures and disappointment. The spouses cannot find a suitable key. Therefore, they are required to limit themselves with only several rooms, which can be easily unlocked, leaving different rooms with their promising possibilities locked and unused.

However, a special key exists, which opens all doors. It is not easily found, or rather, spouses must forge it together, which is a reasonably difficult task. This great art is effective spousal communication.

Let us examine another aspect of communication. While communicating, we exchange specific information. Each one of our messages consists of three components: words, tone of voice, and nonverbal information. We can convey much additional information while saying the same exact word, statement, or question by changing our tone of voice and using nonverbal components. Nonverbal means of communication include our facial expression, pose, gestures, and movement. A situation that may be brought as an example of nonverbal communication which should be avoided is holding a book out in front of you while speaking with the other person.

Finances of the Family

Money! Money is necessary to eat, pay taxes, purchase goods, etc. Your attitude toward money and your previous life experience will have to adapt to the conditions of a future married life. Financial difficulties and losses in marriage may create tension in the marital relationship. Exercises outlined below will help you determine the most complex financial problems and to make realistic plans.

Determine the average income per person of the family in which you grew up in the last five years?

What do you think was the income in the family of your fiancé/fiancée?

What is the average monthly income that will be needed by your family in its first years?

How much will the husband have to earn in the first years of your marriage?

Should the wife work, and if so, how much should she earn? What will initially be the biggest item of expenditure in your family?